I Hate Starbucks

I really do. So much so that I am moved to write a non-triathlon related blog entry about it.

Here are my top 10 reasons why Starbucks deserves my hatred (please feel free to augment):
1) They make terrible coffee.
2) They put Torrefazione out of business.
3) My local cafe now charges $1.85 for a cup of coffee. This seems to be the going rate in the urban coffee-scape of San Francisco. Has the coffee changed? No. Are we fighting a war in Iraq over coffee? I think not.
4) Just the thought of being asked "Do you want a vente or a grande?" by some 22 year old political science major whose exposure to the word "vente" was Starbucks training camp makes me want to sneak up from behind the perky little chipmunk and strangle them with the strings of those green Starbucks aprons.
5) It makes me want to end my career in marketing.
6) They really know how to fuck up a cappuccino.
7) If I wanted to be greeted by a chipmunk before I've had my coffee, I'd be drinking herbal tea.
8) Do Americans really need more whipped cream in their diet?
9) There is always a line...even when there's a no-name coffee shop within a block radius. And as much as I hate Starbucks, I hate waiting in lines even more.
10) (Do I have to stop at 10?) Everybody in the world is so damned "proud" to serve Starbucks coffee. Hotels, airplanes, restaurants...it has become the universal symbol for the-best-half-assed-coffee-we-can-pull-off.

Why so bitter, you ask? I had a Starbucks incident this morning. I was in, of all places, the coffee capital of the US, Seattle for work this week. After a lovely morning jog along the waterfront, during which I passed 0 coffee shops, I decided that I would need to get my caffeine fix from the Starbucks in the hotel. I waited shamefully in the line, hoping I wouldn't be recognized (that's the nice thing about only getting Starbucks when traveling). I decided I would get the same thing I always get at Starbucks, a cappuccino.

I have had a lot of disappointing experiences with the Starbucks Cappuccino. In fact, it never ceases to be a let-down. There are a myriad of ways that they destroy what is one of the simpler creations on their menu...either the double-shot is really equivalent in volume to a small cup of coffee, or they put way too much milk in, or the foam is runny, or burned. I could go on, but I've already completed one top-ten list. I decided that the only way to get a normal cappuccino was to request that they use half the amount of milk and a double shot in a small cup (yes, "small". I am one of the Starbucks lingo rejectors). What follows is the dialogue I had with the barista.

Me: I'd like a double cappuccino in a small cup with half the amount of milk, please.
Barista: (young white guy. slightly artsy. slightly richie cunngingham) Huh?
(It would seem that while the Starbucks menu includes just about every frikkin' variation of coffee, decaf, soy, skim, whipped cream, etc...these poor robots have not been schooled in the variation of ingredient proportion)
Me: Repeat above.
Barista: Do you want me to just put it in the child's sized cup?
Me: I don't think so. The espresso and foam parts are still the same.
Barista: (in tone that resembles a mom asking her young child if they really don't want to sit on Santa's lap at the mall) You only want half the milk? Are you sure?
Me: Oh yes, I'm very sure. I've really thought this through.
Barista: Well, I really think you need the child's sized cup. I just think there will be too much space left in the small cup.
Me: Whatever you think is best. You're the expert.

I laughed just a little, my own little private joke. And my cappucino wasn't half bad. But I still hate Starbucks. Please, if you want to give me a coffee card for a holiday, make it Peet's.